Like most people, I have recurrent nightmares. Some I’ve had ever since I was a child, others are recent developments…

For the last year, I’ve had disturbing nightmares in which I mutilate my body. And yet I feel no pain, quite the opposite in fact. I often feel relieved and relaxed. The most disturbing imagery involves ‘castrating’ myself. I won’t go into the details of how a twenty-seven year old woman self-castrates in a dream, feel free to use your imagination if you absolutely must!

What’s disturbing isn’t the act itself but my feeling surrounding it. Why do I feel so bothered and frustrated until I cut myself apart? Why do I feel relieved to self-mutilate?

I don’t pay much attention to the ‘meaning’ of dreams, I think that books which attempt to alphabetize dreams and define their meanings are simply exploiting our curiosities for $$$. And it works, what’s not to be curious about when you dream about the most insane stuff?

But recurring dreams are of interest to me, there’s obviously a reason that my brain fires these images off in the throes of deep sleep. I just haven’t been able to communicate to her (brain) as to why. A friend of mine gave me some tips on lucid dreaming and on how to achieve the effect. He says that he can ‘control’ his dreams up to 90% of the time. I envy him a little, I’ve never been able to control much of my dream world. I can think of countless times in which I’ve tried to run and I’ve tangled myself up in the air, or attempt to shout and heard nothing come out of my throat.

In a way, though, maybe the magic would be lost if I could dictate it all? If all the tiny frustrations, frightening episodes, and complete mysteries were to be lost and replaced by a series of movies to be directed by me? Would dreaming ever be the same again?