Coughing Up

Coughing up the Daydreams,
there I see small   Bits
of   Spittle  and  Dust
from other Peoples
Expectations of me.
Now       I   keep   a
hankerchief handy
at  all  times.

Interminable loneliness of spirit is all that I have to look forward to.

Dire prediction, maybe, but that’s the solid star in the iron sky. Everything else has burned out, or worse, looks to be falling. The collision course with the end after a flight of fancy.

Some days I’d give anything just to feel nothing. If I could feel nothing, I’d never fear losing anything. And I’d have nothing to live for except the certainty of a sunset.

But what price would you pay, if you lost the ability to feel? Art? Love? Wonder? If it could be replaced somehow, would you care?

It must look as though I’ve been partaking of a lot of Absinthe lately. Not quite. But I will tell you of my latest dream.

I was sitting in my grandfather’s house, at the table we would play cards with. He and I were sitting with another gentleman, who didn’t appear to be anyone I knew. As we shuffled cards and smoked, we took breaks to go and shoot heroin in the bathroom. My grandfather flicked my arms with his giant, coarse fingers, trying to get my veins engorged. The third gentleman wished to share our needle, but I insisted on only sharing with granddad.

I remember feeling guilty but elated. I put a few dollars into my veins, just a smidge, and then continued smoking and laughing. I kept turning around, expecting my grandmother and mother to come in and start yelling at us. But every time I turned to granddad, I just felt like smiling again. His face was very clear in my dreams, its a face I can never forget, even years after his death, and with very few photographs of him. Looking at him always made me smile. One of the only men in my life who brought me a huge sense of calm. The rest of them ran/run the gamut from inducing laughter to inducing pain.

For clarification, I have never used drugs of this sort. What’s more interesting about this dream, to me, is the feelings of guilt and nervousness I’d hold until I turned back to the table to play cards with him.

I do miss him terribly, but they all have to go. Who do you miss?